Fritz Lightning

So I have known Fritz for around ten months now. Today is his birthday so it seems like a good time to chat about him. He turns eighty-nine today and he gets to spend his birthday in the hospital with a broken hip, surely plotting his own demise.
I met Fritz in the building where I live. He seemed like a sweet old guy so I occasionally stopped in to have a chat with him. I was amazed that such an old relic was still moving around on his own. Old people tend to seem sweet when you first meet them, not that fritz isn't a sweet guy. He's a man too though and that became apparent fairly quickly as our conversations progressed.
old Fritz had at least one girl who came around and who knows what they got up to together. He was always asking about my love life. Still does actually. I find it difficult to kiss and tell with a geriatric, but we could definitely agree on thing: these Cambodian girls have a great "bust". You may come for the cheap food, drugs, and accommodations, but you stay for the firmness. It's like a magnet holding you in the country.

Anyway, I would visit fritz from time to time and we built up a solid report. Old people need company to feel alive as far as I can tell, and there is a lot of wisdom to be gained if your patient enough and can stand the smell. What a dick.
So one day fritz falls down the stairs from his first floor apartment and hurts his leg. I started to stop by more often to help him out with small stuff. I bought him some vitamins and fruit to try and build him back up. Sadly he wasn't into the idea of getting better and kept bringing up suicide. I used to be pretty into the thought myself so I kinda enjoyed discussing his options with him. He was planning to just cut his wrists with the blade from his boxcutta so I took that away the first time he mentioned it. pills are the way to go for an old guy. or some smack. I was gearing up to score for him when I decided to give my dad a quick call and get his opinion. he's pretty good for a dose of practical thinking when I need it. him and my mom#2 Teri explained that the implications of a mercy kill could be bad. I was likely looking for someone to talk me out of it but I still felt like I let him down.

He just kept giving me his stuff. First his little pen microscope, then his map and all his books. Now I have more of his stuff than he does. Nice chair, boring ass books ill never read, classical music cd's, and the map I really enjoy. the microscope is great too.
So Fritz did eventually get stronger over a couple of weeks. his options were still pretty slim as the crack slut he liked to have over had stolen his laptop, and he didn't have any savings. The landlord was getting tense cause he hadn't paid his rent and was looking more and more like the walking dead. In a sweet way. Suddenly there was some sun shine. The landlady's sister invited fritz to come see her farm out in the countryside, and possibly give him a job. Well that got fritz excited. He was not suicidal anymore and was practically bouncing around while he packed his little plastic briefcase.

Well, here's what they did. They drove him out there, told him his "business visa" was not going to work, and drove him back. Seven or eight hour round trip, extremely taxing on an ancient body. While he was occupied with the drive they were nice enough to move all his stuff out of his apartment and have it waiting for him on the street. Welcome home old friend.
Fritz promptly split when he realized he had been screwed and began wandering the streets. I searched around the area where I thought he may have been heading, but no luck. My roommate told me he had seen him near the river side, but hadn't stopped to talk. I should take a tip from him. mind your business and you have less hassles.

I did finally find him on the street not far from my apartment. He had been wandering and sleeping on the street for two days and nights. He was happy to see me and squeaked on to the back of my bike. He really just wanted a ride to the river to go for an evening swim, but I convinced him to stop in for a beer at my friends bar on the river side. close enough to the river if he still felt like swimming after.

Well after a beer and a half he was in fantastic spirits and we were having a great time. He still wanted to swim and had a specific spot picked out. I told him he better let me drive him there, the least I could do. on the ride i had an idea. I could bring him to my favorite guesthouse on the lakeside and he could get a room for cheap and easy access to food while we came up with an idea of what to do next. After some convincing he agreed and we checked him in to the number nine sister.
For the next three months that is where he stayed. He was having a pretty good time making friends with backpackers and coming up with business schemes always. We would have dinner a couple times a week and I introduced him to many of my friends. Most of which he forgot immediately after the meal. I was on the lookout always for a place where he could live permanently. As time went on I began to realize that fritz was not fit to live on his own any longer. He was always forgetting things and couldn't handle his money too well. In fact, I was taking care of his money and his passport for this period.

When I lost my job teaching the little kids I loved, I went on a real bender for about two weeks. Five weeks actually. So I wasn't visiting old Fritz as much as I should have been. Something about being smashed around the elderly that just feels wrong. Fritz got nervous and asked for his bank book and his passport back. Then he took all the money out of the bank. This made me a little nervous as he was staying at the guesthouse on the condition that i would bail him out financially should he die or run up a massive bill. He didn't seem to worried about my griping and actually thought I was pretty funny for stressing out about his situation. In his mind everyone he met was a potential business partner, and they would all quite likely want him to come live with them in their country while he taught them the fine points of management consulting. Not a care in the world. well normally, I'm happy if your happy. but mess with my money and I get ornery.

A week ago Fritz fell in the shower and broke his hip. Again came the topic of suicide and how do give him something without putting myself at risk. This time I really just wanted to let someone else deal with it. After two days of deliberation, we loaded fritz into a tuk tuk and brought him to the hospital er. I contacted his embassy, and immediately felt a tremendous load come off my shoulders. Why on earth did I take on such a hopeless project?
I have been back to visit fritz a couple times now. I really enjoy chatting with him. He has had an amazing life. often bragging about visiting sixty countries, holding five or six different passports, and working for very important companies. Fritz is an ideas man you see. just tell him what you need and he's off and running. This is quite likely the main reason he took such a keen interest in me, I don't have anything close to a plan and I think this is a real challenge for the old guy. Then again, old people just plain need company.

Fritz gave me two tips yesterday, not wanting to hurt my feeling or offend me, but he just thought I should know.
1. Cover my mouth when I yawn. I yawn a lot and it’s very rude to show people the tunnel to your stomach. 
2. Don’t say fuck, and don’t say shit. it makes you sound 50 to 60 percent stupider than you would if you didn’t swear. out of respect for him I have taken out all the fucks and shits.

Adam E.

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